The most influential field to pursue. Many tend to think fortune & fame drop on only the beautiful and only the lucky as if hard work is never achieved. Although for some it comes easier than some don't make the mistake to assume being a model is easy. It is not about being "cute" in front of a camera and people tendto fail to comprehend that simple concept. Much like any career not everyone will last. Diamond skin & common sense help you survive in llife as well as any career you choose.

I recently worked on a very unprofessional set where there was not much thought put behind the concept as if I was easy to be successful. The director was very unprofessional and was not properly informing his "extras" what was expected of them and also misinformed that the filming was for an independent pilot, I am not even aure if independent would b fair to use. However when you state your filming for a television pilot and you do not take care of expensive equipment because you don't know or want to, there is a problem.
However there was a guy at the set who has a good look to him, particularly becauswe he resembled another acotr. And unfortunately he ran into a tight section in his life that in the midst of this countries financial crisis he chooses no job when offered many because they "might" interfere with his acting job...jobs he is not acing as much as he would likeinstead of taking what he can. He was so misinformed on how to achieve success that it was too obvious in his speech. What did not aid him was the agreement of others feeling certain sites/mthat are legit and very much workm/because I get work from them, that they were lying to him because he signed up for two weeks. He was older than I was and I couldn't understand why he had not grasped what I had...it ain't easy ever in anything you pursu.

Steady and slow, shakespeare said right.

I have come a long way from what I have been exposed to and. I grew up in certain areas ahead of my time perhaps that is my advantage. I am not completely mature because I range in both extremes but for certain things I have always understood that I must prevail.

It was weird running into him outside because I was separated to talk to him because I "received work" and people must understand the ones you look upto, whether glamour models, an actor or your mom keep. In mind nothing was gained without pursuing with true ambition and of course having diamond skin helps.

I wish him luck, but he must let go of the glamour & pursue the aret because that's what it is about. Its an art that is whyi pursue entertainment. For the art & I plan to master my craft

At a young age I knew nothing is paved in gold
& life ain't a glass staircase.

So. For those nreading, go for it but be smart & be safe
What does not work try try try again; but differently until you produce the desired results.

Good luck to you as well as myself

Good day ^^

the push me playlist

For every casting I upload my favorite playlist. It is more than a favorite. It pushes me forward and tells me my dreams are not done.
Aerosmith "Dream On"
Gwen Stefani "What cha Waiting for?"
Kevin Rudolf "Let it Rock"
Gwen Stefani "Rich Girl"
Lady Gaga "Beautiful, Dirty Rich"
Asian Kung-Fu Generation "Re:Re"
Black Eyed Peas "I've Gotta Feeling"
Christina Aguilera "Keep On Singing My Song"
Coldplay "Viva La Vida" & "Shiver"
Danny Elfman's song performed by Marilyn Manson "This is Halloween" yes yes this 2
Frank Sinatra "New York"
Gunslinger Girl Sound track, The Delgados "The Light"
Incubus "Nowhere Fast" & "Warning"
John Mayer "No Such Thing"
Kelly Clarkson "Breakaway"
Lily Allen "Everything's just Wonderful"
Modest Mouse "Float On"
No Doubt "Hella Good", "Simple Kind of Life" & "It's My Life"
P!nk "Stupid Girls"
Red Hot Chilli Peppers "Can't Stop" & "By the Way"
Shakira "Ready For The Good Times"
U2 "Elevation", "Vertigo", & "Beautiful Day"
Ting Tings "Great DJ"
Weezer "Beverly Hills"
Veronicas "Untouched"

my pick me up, lets go for it,
hold the wheel and drive

Auditioning

There are a vast amount of auditions that are coming up for so many projects.

Wish me luck, my resume has been sent

an excerpt of a random thought

Vagrant souls. Misplaced. Misused. Broken from lack of will and continuous turmoil. Sins grow to appease the Devil’s appetite. Whether you read of Lilith & Adam or Eve & Adam, either way you are stuck living a lesson someone else messed up. The domino effect. Toss a stone into a pond trick. We fall to addictions of sex, drugs, mischief, blood shed and self-abuse. Only we know our true inner and even animalistic M.O. Whether it is of good heart to make salutary decisions for just ourselves to be selfish or to aid the other hearts and lives of men. We fall very far. The question of God’s existence often plagues people’s minds because they feel abandoned and are begging to be saved. Like a prolix apology that even God I might say, is tired of hearing. The same redundant message until it is fully meant. We provide our deep holes with the energy source we can never find. We in deep intention will destroy other’s happiness for we lack it of our own. Mischievous souls. I wonder myself about God. Do I believe blindly and live by rules that I know by nature I would not follow if I were that type of person? or Do I follow the perturbed sacrifice and wait till I think I may die to believe in just in case? and if so does that not make me a hypocrite? Man. The only animal that can kill himself and bring the world with him. Man. The only animal that often fails to fathom that he, himself is still animal. Other animals seem to find their place in their kingdoms from their predators and preys. They live in more peace and often man assumes there is a lacking of the ability to think because they are not creating bombs and murdering to murder or for fun.

How do you truly find God? Do you take a chance and try to follow someone who claims to have spoken to him? Or perhaps the ideology that someone whose heart is truly irreligious and needs to control a vast amount of people. Or do you simply follow on your own, because you are that dedicated to being one with a higher source.

I look at people everyday and I see how easily people die. I mean the sort of morbid & acrid taste in your mouth from a rotting soul. Ambitions and dreams unreached and lives untouched. The sort of death that waits for legends like Hecate to retrieve them. Too lazy to try. Too weak to truly live. Too dead to move forward.

At a laggard pace we leave God and his rules out of our lives but visit his home to show we have love to only break his rules when we leave. The true art of being just a Sunday Follower. Is everybody that I often see just walking without aims to living a salutary life. Religion does not have to be a guidance however to move for the “greater good” simply would not kill us. It’s the way we are living now, that will.

Man will argue whose methodological approach is better to spirituality and even kill each other, even condemn each other for simple reason that there was no conversion to their way. In the name of God much insanity is brewed from the logic being placed into possibly places it does not belong. Maybe that is why angels and demons plague this plane to take us to either side. Whether you are punished like Eve or damned like Lilith, the opposition is still the same. It’s amazing how easily everyone can work against each other before ever working together. A simple solution not so easily done.

Cheap souls.

All dying.

All dead.

Am I the only one who wants to survive our own kismet of a damned revelation?

I do not need to hear callow soliloquies about if God loved us then why does he allow this world to be this way? It is simple, for if his presence presides it is the same as any parent and child relationship. To build trust and to enlighten your own birth children, you tell them not to do something and when they do it they suffer the consequences. Do not put your hand in the fire for you will hurt yourself doing so. Children never listen, then are angry at their wounds and look to their parent to heal them but the scar never leaves, right?

This world is very fucked up.

*sigh*

Homeless souls damned to eternal purgatory until these fleshy shells breaks, and then we start the process all over again.

Rises and Falls

Like a phoenix I am bound to change for the better. Unfortunately my magazine opportunity did not work out before. However Inked Magazine likes me as well as my tattoos, so let's see how this one will work out.

I do not want to get ahead of myself, like I did before.

Right Shakespeare, wisely and slow they stumble that run fast?

Emotions and Acting.

Emotions the complex self-destructive art to acting. To become the very soul of the character. To make that character apart of you. To grow another Janus face to add to your insanity.

I am studying for a supporting role to audition for Jasmine, with a movie starring Ludacris and a few other names. I am so nervous but I am mostly focusing on this role out of everything else. I leave with my dreams in a bag hoping they dont leak out when I'm not looking.

Jasmine requires me to bring out another side of me, I had put away to avoid further breakage. However studying the role is providing therapy in its own way, as well as giving me the courage to overcome my own obstacles along side with her.

Wish me luck because the audition is coming very soon, and I hope Frank will call me soon. This is very important to my career.

Frank and I met on another set of a movie I was working on and ever since then he has stuck to me and gave me my 5 seconds of a close up in a foreign film.

**inhale...exhale**

Come on Cadma, you can do this.

Your name is Jasmine. You have history but you know how to survive, even if it is barely. She's real, she's you. You have a story to tell, you have a story to demonstrate.

Now go win

easier fight

Outbursts of resentment
Flee from your lips
As I begin to dread the kiss
That lead me down roads
I thought once was truth
Only to find ignorance
In myself about you
And in the darkness I stood
It is where I cried
It is where you choose to gambol
and bathe in your lies
My heart once filled with coquetry
And never ending affection
Took a turn I wasnt expecting
Crawling deep into my own skin
Trying my best not to fall in
And in my reticent yelps
I found that no one helped
But aided the downfall
I begged God not let it show
And as we drifted more and more
My pictures began to fade
Like a voice lost down memory lane
And in the infamous battle
So well fought by my guns
I only come to realize
I have failed to find the sun
And in my own defeat
To lack the intricated effects
I seem to have on you
Like a pet the nuisance grew
But you dared not say
For every moment I accepted reality
I began to go away
And not once was it noticed
Until the room became bare
And suddenly I left alone
And all I can do is stare
That look up on your face
Crying out to me
Seemed so familiar before me
Cause just as I stood in the morning glow
Now its you putting on my shoes
I'm blasted by the sudden facts
That flow with ease from you
All the words you never said
Or promises you would keep
But now I'm out of sight
nice from a far but far from nice
It makes loving me an easier fight

new poem.

Love's deprecation

Love, the most intense and controlling emotion there is. Whether your love is for another human being, a pet, to perform religious affiliated acts or just simply the passion to have the same love but in its negative notation. It is powerful. It will consume you without pure reason and logic.

Whether your vision is lucid or one big foggy dream, love can and will always lead you down some interesting roads. It certainly has for me. I have a friend who says "Love never dies, it simply changes" and I am beginning to agree on a deeper level to what they are saying. However when it changes thats when the trouble begins, isnt it?

Your love for your significant other can easily change to friend, to hatred, to acknowledge them as a human being. Love is an evolving emotion.

However what do you do when you know something is not healthy, when something is powerful enough to consume you do you trust in love or do you choose to change it to save yourself?

does it mean that you never cared or does it mean that you simply cared too much? I remain reticent about much that has happened. However in this world of mine, my mind never stops thinking. It is an overheated machine ready to freeze, break or erase all data from so much corruption.

Does allowing love to consume the ethereal parts of you make you weak or vain in the concept that Venus tells no lies? Does living in that vanity make you blind? Is the view lucid and unaccepted? or like an unseen force?

Falling in love again and again, is as easy as counting. It is the breaking away part that is far more intricate than it should be. Perhaps maybe because they often take a piece of you with them, that you will never see again. And in cheap hopes you wonder if you will see that side of you again.

Ah, love love love
the weakness of all men

Cupid's neophyte

I have been surprised with quip remarks of affection. The feeling is rejuvenating and overwhelming. A dear close friend who always remains in honesty and respect with me. At the nadir era of my life's story, he always came to comfort me. My words did not deflect him. He watched my situations change in quick successions and slowly walked beside me. When my tears fell he only reached to wipe when I allowed him. Only working within the range of comfortablity I slip around me. In need of someone, he never displayed direct anger and frustration but only patience and distracting laughter. When I felt submissive and invisible, he came to show me how seen I am and how on top I can be. He was a dear friend, a very good friend.

We share the same humor. The consistent need for honesty. We understand each other's need on Venus' level. We were told with such perfunctory courtesy and covetous attitude, that we were so alike. Maybe they saw the elegant connection we held. The compelling effect we had on each other. In my darkest smoke, he became my crack of sunlight.

We started off with a simple connection but felt the need to be close. I always found him interesting and more than enjoyed his presence in the home. He always contributed to my smiles and the feeling of being understood. Of not being judged. He is something very fresh and healthy for me. It is scary but pleasant.

He is highly au courant and creative. Takes me into consideration for every decision he makes and I will give him the same. He respects my ideas and does not make commands of the flesh, When I am ready he says and he means it. He blushes if I compliment him and not just smirk and pretend to acknowledge it. I can cook and clean freely when I want to. I adore the kitchen and it is where one of the places where my hubris lays. He is held in respectable, King like manners. His smile is no lie. And the most vital action he performs for me is, he is always honest. That has never changed since we have been friends. Now I am approached to take that friendship on a risk, that I am willing to take.

The risk to the undiscovered' country, that puzzles my will but I dare not shun it at all. For who knows what lands I will discover.

Is this the kind of relationship I have been talking to Aphrodite about? Has she finally taken notice? Am I redeemed worthy now?

I think so,
**holds nose and dives in**
wish me luck and happiness

Cadma

Goals

I remain to be described as ambitious, I am often told "At least you have that drive".

My destiny is what I have created for myself. Not some cheap chimera in the far distance in the desert.

I am re-learning belly dancing. A jovial sport and intoxicating to the soul. Dancing is alluring to me. It brings me the sort of winsome happiness that is not easily found. I feel free. However my skills must be ameliorated to completely master the art of movement. The art of flowing free.

Wish me luck
Cadma

I bid you farewell already, please stop

"The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation...For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressors wrong, The proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, ...To grunt and sweat under a weary life. But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of?".

We all suffer, and from our suffering we are suppose to grow. For those who do not grow, simply await in vanity & agony for Mother's like Hecate to call their names. I grow. I need to grow, my vines are as long as my roots. However I can admit my growth can be delayed by cheap satisfaction through Cupid. He points his arrow too freely with me. In search of a King, I've been made promises that have only been whispered sweet nothings. I have been left in a torpid mental state, forgetting my ambitious goals and loosing myself in the process. I despise that saturnine face of mine, for when she shows her face that only indicates the journey to melancholia has begun.

Dedication...maybe too devoted i am. I have been ridiculed, chagrined by those who claim it was in the name of love. LIES! Disrespect through advertisement of what was never intimate to them but only sacred to me. Disrespect through exposing parts of me that only you should see in public. Actions, puerile actions that any smart normal girl would not tolerate and in a cheap course of 3 months you would have been done for! Criticizing every movement, and stinging callow words to intentionally be spiteful to someone who opened their heart to you...so foolishly. The trust is broken down easily by your lies. The flesh commands I found myself obeying, through lowering myself value for you. I gave my soul while you wished I was dead to you. In lack of your spirituality, God answered your prayers and Kali set me free.

No more lying, no more ignoring the existence you carefully intentionally planned to be rid of.

No more cheap gossip, behind walls you though I could not hear.
No more exaggerated stories that only exacerbated things even further.
No more good month bad month, good month, worse month, good month, worst month.
No more games.

No more tears, no more backbending
No more vanity of love, for you never loved me

So I leave you to find what was promised to me
And don't say "I love you" and don't say "I'm sorry"
Words of these phrases are things you could never understand what they mean.

All faults do not remain your own for I did not have to retaliate to your consistent anger, to your blades. I have flaws of my own.

I am patient but I grew weary and so painfully tired. A four year battle when all I wanted as a little love.

No more empty words, no nefarious promises, no more from you
No more tap taps as I lay, as I wake.

I bid you farewell and happiness.
______________________________________________________________________-
My playlist for the evening:
"Y todo para que"
que mas quieres de mi
si ya todo te di
te di mi cariño,
te di mi confianza,
te di mi calor.
que mas quieres de mi
mi vida te la di
por tan solo un minuto
por tan solo un poquito de tu gran pasion

(coro;)
y toda para que
y todo para que
para que enamoraste
para que ilusionaste mi corazon
y todo para que
y todo para que
pero no me arrepiento
si en cada momento me hiciste feliz
y todo para que
y todo para que
y todo para que
y todo para que

que mas quieres de mi
a donde quieres llegar
que no te haz dado cuenta
que por ya no mirarme me puedes matar
que mas quieres de mi
dime lo por favor
ya no encuentro palabras
ya no encuentro la forma de darte mi amor

(coro;)
y todo para que
y todo para que
para que enamoraste
para que ilusionaste mi corazon
y todo para que
y todo para que
pero no me arrepiento
si en cada momento me hiciste feliz
y todo para que
y todo para que
y todo para que
____________________________________
"Fool"
Tell me lies, slap me on the face, just...
Improvise, do something really clever,
That'll make me hate your name forever

You might swear, you'd never touch a lady
Well, let me say, you're not too far from maybe
Every day you find new ways to hurt me

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
Always having my heart set on you
Till the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes

Ahh, fool

God resigned, from hearing my old story
Every night, I'm paying hell for glory
I'm embarrassed but I'm much more sorry

All this pain, begins to feel like pleasure
With my tears, you'd make a sea a desert
Salt my wounds and I'll keep saying thank you

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
Always having my heart set on you
Till the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes

Ahh, fool
_____________________________________
"Poem to a horse"
You're to far to bring you close
And too high to see below
just hangin' on your daily dose
I know you never needed anyone
But the rolling papers for your grass
How can you give what you don't have?

You keep on aiming for the top
And quit before you sweat a drop
Feed your empty brain with your hydroponic pot
You start out playing with yourself
You get more fun within your shell
Nice to meet you but I gotta go my way

[Chorus:]
I'll leave again
Cuz I've been waiting in vain
But you're so in love with yourself
If I say my heart is sore
Sounds like a cheap metaphor
So I won't repeat it no more

I'd rather eat my soup with a fork
Or drive a cab in New York
Cuz to talk to you is harder work
So what's the point of wasting all my words
If it's just the same or even worse
Than reading poems to a horse

You keep on aiming for the top
And quit before you sweat a drop
Feed your empty brain with your hydroponic pot
I bet you'll find someone like you
Cuz there's a foot for every shoe
I wish you luck but I've got other things to do

I'll leave again 'cause I've
Been waiting in vain
But you're so in love with yourself
If I say my heart is sore
Sounds like a cheap metaphor
So I won't repeat it no more
_______________________________________________
"Bye bye boyfriend"
I've been lying,
to keep you from this pain
Now your crying,
and to know that I'm to blame
And I'll miss you
But its over now

I'm so sorry,
that it had to be this way
Please don't hate me,
but there's nothing you can say
To change my mind
I've got to go away

The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more

Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
lay down and work

It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now

Let me tell you how it was when we started off
The tattoos and the lip pierce and raggedy style you used to rock
Lately everything you do and say is messed up
Things have changed, down is up we're outta luck

And Baby I'm sorry
That it had to be this way
Please don't hate me, but there's nothing you can say
To Change my mind

The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more

Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
lay down and work

It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now

You never put the effort in to the things that really counted
A word here, and a kiss there
Could change the way its turning out
You work so hard at all the things I never cared about
How hands work & fingers moving, Eyes wide Shut
And baby I'm lonely
Though your right in front of me
You controlled me
That was the girl I used to be
Gave up myself
Well its over now

The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more

Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
lay down and work

It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now

I'm backing up,
Baby cause it's over now

Pretty pretty pretty pretty boyfriend,
C'mon
c'mon
c'mon
c'mon
Baby back it up
lay down and work
It was fun but it couldn't last forever
bye bye pretty boy
It's time to, It's time to pack it up

Baby 'cause it's over now
______________________________________________________________
"Numb"
No sleep, no sex for you from your ex-girlfriend
I was too deep, I can't let you go and just jump
in
At times I would push my feelings aside to let
you feel
I'm novicane I'm numb and nothing's real

Like the coldest winter, I am frozen from you

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb

But the tears were silent inside you see
But the tears were silent inside you see

I laid there quiet, watched you have your way
with me
I might have cried, the tears were silent inside
you see
You called me names, made me feel like I was dumb

I didn't feel a thing and now I'm gone, gone,
gone

Like a battered child I got used to your pain
But you know its cuz

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb

Don't feel a thing, don't feel the pain
Numb, numb, numb
Said

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb

I was weak for
Said now I'm numb, numb, numb
No, no, no, no
__________________________________________________________
One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
too young to know i had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
____________________________________________________________________

I've let go of you, please have the same courtesy.
I am working on my own happiness and I step out ready and shielded but know not to open myself up ever again to anyone like you again

Intricate Intensity

I am a dedicating individual. I look forward to assisting others, especially those I am willing to shae my heart with. I dare not refer to simply romance, but friendship as well. I always share my wisdom as well as my honesty, more raw than sushi. I expect the same to be dispensed with me. Truth, La Verdad...the noun of validity is what I need for a foundation, my roots to the relationship.

Now I have known some self-destructive individuals, but one caught my eye the most. My hand was always reaching out but for what it reached for, my hand was never grabbed. However due to some far more subdued conflicts, the trust, the truth that once stood as my pillars...have lost their foundation.

I craved for an opinion. I cared for an opinion, because knowing their opinion. Caring for the third-party point of view, was my audition of continued honesty. My audition for sharing a decision in my life that was not merely rejected, but spat on for selfish reasons. The reasons remain unknown to me, however their actions speak louder than any infamous stenorian. Puerile actions that concurred before have now all a new meaning. It was the very lack of our foundation, the lack of their honesty that the base has fallen.

If I make feeble attempts at contact, bleek conversations barely make it through or a nefarious sarcasm is going to seep into the wood.

Even though they admitted their callow actions does not mean they stopped. Even though they disagreed and reacted to me nastily for the 1st time of 4 years. Even though when I asked them not to call someone out of their name, I am met with "I'll try". Even though their histrionic theatre acts were more than callow and obviously anger, I have yet to know the reason for why they reacted to me the way they did. As if they stared from a high chair they created themselves, a disdainful glare and hostile attitude towards me. Forcing themselves to ask questions I know they do not care about. For the excerpts from their soliloquoy of the thoughts they chose not to share with me, leaving me in the dust of not understanding why they reacted to my happiness the way they did. It leaves me thinking my happiess is a judgement, my happiness is not what they want for me. Me, descending deeper into the darkness I just pulled myself from is easier for them..or as they say "They took a liking.", knowing of my treatment, knowing that is why I pulled away from them, knowing I was just off the mental brink dangling there. Between that and a secret hang out between the person they hated for treating me the way they did. Creating fabrications that only they can see. Still astonished and confused, but since I have no answer I walk away. Communicating with the same people they said they did not care about, and dismiss me, my happiness and lash out towards me while I have been so ever so patient with them...I am left behind. So am I wrong?, if I decide to walk away? Am I wrong, for leaving a situation that obviously kept getting worse? Am I wrong, for not speaking to them because every time we speak it is unpleasant? Loosing a friend during my time in need, how expected. How very much they became the same loss I had last year, except far more anger directly. I know when I am wanted around, and when I am undesired by anyone I take my vagabond good's and leave. I see no point in sticking around.

What annoyed me most, is that it is so stupid. And how close we use to be, or so I thought. Or did I become vain in the thought of having a real friend?

It would not be the first time that we didnt agree on something, it would not be the first time their self-destructive path pulled childish acts before me to upset me on purpose, to anger me and they had never succeeded before until now. But everything before that I did not think about. I question and then I fall quickly into not caring, for there is nothing I can do. much has been done by them, I do not know if repair would save us at all. in fact I know it wont, i could never trust them ever again. My guard will remain high and thick, all because they know what they did and dont care enough to admit they are wrong for reacting at me, to me with such intense choler in their face...for no reason.

They have the wrong impression that they managed to hurt me, but they never hurt me at all. Not once, because of their self-destructive path I never fully let my guard down and they know this. They just simply angered me, because I came to them and this is what I get for thinking they were a friend....stupid me

You are the Tree

The shadow is your reputation and like most gimcracks it is there for display. Only for the peering eyes that feel what they see, is what they have. I. Me. Who I am, is a person of observation. I remain argus-eyed among many social settings and only watch to see if psychological theories are carried out or if I am flat out wrong. My ability to trust is lacking but my ability to be hopeful rear ends itself frequently. My patience runs far and wide. Often if an individual attempts to "figure me out" they either fail or over do it. This still applies to the supercilious personas who feel they know me, they can define me and will constrict me to what I choose to share with them. When I speak I see who listens and who tries to misconstrue my words or give me new words to use as if I do not understand what I am saying. I do not speak up as often as I should, but I like being reticient in the scenery. I enjoy allowing others to make their decisions for me. If someone chooses to not be active in my life, that is simply their choice. If someone chooses to try to make my choler rise, that is their choice. If someone decides to be sneaky and interferre in my life in ways not so benign for me, that is...their choice. I can not and I will not waste my irrevocable hours trying to control or worry about someone else's choices. Yes I can be upset, yes I can be angry but when I lay my head upon my pillow and begin to visit the land of nod. I sleep free. I rise free. I am free of any obligations to hold onto hands who want no holding. Free of any intricate delicacies that may have found their way to my plate. The fun part about letting go, is the assumption that follows. That there is this saturnine after-taste that follows me in this torpid little could above my head. When I let go, I choose not to care. I make myself free, what is so wrong with that? People change frequently like dollars to a cashier, loosing one aint so bad there will always be another.

eh....the only other confusion that raves inside my skull, is the assumption of how I think and what I really am about. The disdainful thought process of how I speak because I chose to never speak to them that way.

ambiguous dreaming

The kismet that lays around the stars do not lay lucid in thoughts. I spend much time in deep though and preservation. However the clock is ticking, as it sways back and forth for each second it mocks what has been wasted. I spent 3 and half years dedicating to a ineffective relationship. The tumult of every element that controlled my emotions and gridlocked my goals.

I wake up today, smiling. I can feel the spirit of the sun, even through the clouds like today. I feel the fire, the zealous enthusiam flame just burning under my oil lamp.

I have a new song that has a bit of a ....mmmmmm......punch and a taste of spunk in its spice. I will be recording that song first. I will be using a new music program to make it, and I should not need my guitar much for it. This is a song of my life's energy to be red blooded and vivacious. Just fill the cup of living free, if you will. I can fathom the sound perfectly, I just need to release it.

This is my update for now, and also currently at my current job I am in the running of a really good promotion, wish me luck. For the more I can do at my day job the more I can provide for my career.

Cadma,
l8r

survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	chantal
Birthday:	nov. 2nd
Birthplace:	bronx, ny
Current Location:	queens, ny
Eye Color:	dark brown
Hair Color:	dark brown/black
Height:	5'7"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	righty
Your Heritage:	omg...black, chinese, polish, cherokee & Wicomico Native American Indian
&..39;Your Weakness:'	my heat, I lend it out too much aveces
Your Fears:	not achieving anything
Your Perfect Pizza:	extra cheese and lasagna
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	the movie role I am applying for
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	^^
Thoughts First Waking Up:	get up....get ur ass up...you know you have to get up....GET UP!!!!
Your Best Physical Feature:	I have no idea
Your Bedtime:	whenever I feel like it
Your Most Missed Memory:	xmas time, an actual nice xmas
Pepsi or Coke:	coke screw the peps!
MacDonalds or Burger King:	taco bell if i have to go with fast food
Single or Group Dates:	single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	....i like hot tea more than Ice
Chocolate or Vanilla:	vanilla hell yeah!
Cappuccino or Coffee:	neither, tea....but I have tried latte's their ok
Do you Smoke:	use to every now and then
Do you Swear:	omg I can out do a sailor
Do you Sing:	claro hence my career choice
Do you Shower Daily:	ill of course i do
Do you want to get Married:	I think of it but I dont think I am wife material
Do you believe in yourself:	depends on what
Do you get Motion Sickness:
Do you think you are Attractive:	I'm ok
Are you a Health Freak:	nope
Do you get along with your Parents:	sure....
Do you like Thunderstorms:	omg yes, they are the best forhorror fest and uh ahem yeah horrorfest only ^_*
Do you play an Instrument:	acoustic guitar, keyboard, vibraphone, vocals, chinese flute
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	.......yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	i want to, i miss it -_-
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	omg never, and the way man kind pollutes this place oh yeah lts get nakey
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes but I'm not I wouldnt know how to be sexy seriously
Ever been Beaten up:	nope
Ever Shoplifted:	I'm not answering
How do you want to Die:	well gee, is ths gonna be definitecause if i go in a ball of flames screaming down a pit to see Satan and its not what I wanted (in my sleep) then we are going to have a problem
What country would you most like to Visit:	England, Italy omg Italy!!
In a Boy/Girl..
Favorite Eye Color:	green
Favorite Hair Color:	doesnt matter
Short or Long Hair:	ummm doesnt matter
Height:	around mine, no midgets no giants fit me!!
Weight:	idc
Best Clothing Style:	r u dressed in pubic? yes then Idc...at home I ask for birthday suits lmao
Number of Drugs I have taken:	neve
Number of CDs I own:	idont want to count hat high
Number of Piercings:	1
Number of Tattoos:	3 so far
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	1, and that was hurting someone i didnt take seriously
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Afraid

I admit I fear being happy. To me happiness is the adventure you seek only to find some chimerical fabric of lies to be intertwined in. I feel like I am suppose to feel a certain way that I do not. I have absconded far enough to feel free. I taste the liberty of not being obligated to perform tricks and trades. I am a patient woman, too patient some say. Maybe I flow too much like water instead of whirlpooling my enemies. However, I am curious. Maybe too curious. Someone who has not changed. Someone who has been a friend. Someone who leaves an unique trademark smile upon my face. Is it too soon to wonder?

Is it too soon to feel free?
Happy?
Relief?
Because I know for a fact they do not miss me so why should I waste time missing them?

love...a burning flame...it makes a fiery ring

Internal Nescience...you make an ass of yourself by assuming

I have been accussed of many things. However when someone tells me they speak their mind, they will always be straightforward with me I expect them to. Not do it until it pleases them. Normally I would not be stressed and would have said "Fuck It" by now, but no...this matters to me. All the puerile actions I can push to the side and say "What is going on?" "Why are you reacting to me like thi?". Instead of hearing a lucid answer, I am receiving rebarbative comments. I can understand if someone does not agree with my personal choices, however to act the way they have been acting is taking a heavy toll on our friendship. Yet regardless of the moetic (my word) tirade, I am willing but they are not.

It took them 2 minutes to decide what they thought, without giving my concept a chance. My decision a chance. Without seeing something through my eyes for once and shot everything down like guns to a dove. Nothing has changed at all and because there is something they do not agree with, they react to me with such callow and mendacious mannerisms.

I can feel my choler rising when I think of it, because in the process I am loosing a friend. All because they do not agree with me about somthing that is my personal choice, like they have ever agreed to everything about my life before and in my time of need of just support and nothing more. Simply knowing they are there for me, the rugs is pulled beneath me.

What is even more stupid is, that even if things are "amended" I am not ignorant enough to not be able to acknowledge the fact that our this friendship will no longer stand the way it once did. It wlll not flourish. It will wither and slowly become this factictious platonic relationship. And even I can admit that hurts.

Another friend, who pushes me away for no reason. If I am not wanted, I leave and instead of saying go away they rather drag me through this.

It's a shame, I liked everything the way it was and it won't ever be the same. It will always linger at this nadir time era between us.

Life leads down some odd paths

Many changes have been abrupt for me and my need to treat all like a puzzle is not assisting me as well as it should. Sometimes I simply want to know even if I want to let go. I have been well aggravated with additional intricate delicacies like sour candy in a sweet dish bowl. Let's hope things change

Domestic Violence

I am in full support of Keira Knightley's domestic abuse. The video entails a tragic lifestyle, that not only women but men and children experience on a daily schedule. However speaking about what happens is what is hidden. People fear telling another person about what happens to them and it is sad. so I am re-posting this youtube.com video for today.



As for anything else, I am currently preparing myself for a very important supportting role and I must perfect what is to come. Wish me luck ^^

Happiness in a bottle

I feel much lighter upon my feet. Every morning I find new reasons to smile. ..... I am under reconstruction in my life and am in the search of a new place to live. I am bored of where I am at and do not like the distance. It is time for a new change of scenery.

I am much happier than I have been in the past few years. ^^

I am also preparing for something big in an audition so wish me luck ^_^

The beauty of falling in love again,
is to feel what you have never felt before.
The kisses that creep on you upon the day,
The hugs that embrace your soul at night.
To embellish how emotions should be spent,
To bask simply in their sweet presence.
Stentorian's scream of these Venus myths,
And now I can say I finally believe them.
Thanks

changes

When it comes to decisions, forks in the road. Having to choose them would be responsible and mature, but sometimes you do not want to grow up. You want to live that puerile world of yours and play pretend. However what do you do when "Pretend" is over, and you see the play for what it really is. Do you continue to perform because it is expected of you or do you break free?

and when you break free, are you going to take the lessons with you or hold painful baggage?

Dreams...extol them until they are existent

Highly spoken of and often not attained. It motivates us in ways that only prove to the weak, who can truly believe in ambition. However to segue the dream, is impossible. There will be obstacles that will weigh more than your shoulders can carry. When you have reached the nadir crossing in your journey there will still be more, this may be life in general however there is something about a person carrying on. There is something unsettling to others to find someone who is willing to chase after a desire, they find it unsettling because they do not carry the strength of their own to do it for themselves. So the new goal is to add more weight to break you. Only burnished souls, only real ambition can make them walk when they feel their legs are broken. It is so shameful how much like barrels of crabs people truly are.

I took a quize somewhere and this is what i got lol

Your Primary Mythical Creature
Water Types
The main strength of the Water types is feeling. The second element indicates the most probable focus for this emotional expression.

Mermaid
Water with Air

Astrologically associated with Pisces and the Twelfth House

Mermaid types are warm and caring in a passive, receptive way. They are given to daydreaming and to contemplation, a combination that can make them seem curiously absent and fey. They are among the most unworldly of all the types. Despite this they have a strong ability for clear, rational thinking that can be startling. They seem to have a deep, intuitive understanding of the oneness of the universe. They have a desire to help the world at large and are acutely aware of and sensitive to suffering. This is partly because they do not recognize the customary boundaries between people, other living things, time, space, this world and the Otherworld. They are frequently psychic. They can be brilliantly original and highly creative. They are usually regarded by others as benign eccentrics or as plain weird.






Your Shadow Creature
Earth Types
All the Earth types have problems relating to productivity and stability. The weakest element indicates the main focus of these problems.

Wodwose
Earth and Fire

This shadow is beset by inertia and a feeling of hopelessness and stagnation. They are prone to depression linked to apparently insuperable odds. They exhibit an attitude of defeat that is betrayed by their fatalism and pessimism. They often find themselves trapped in a rut of grinding routine. They have no energy or sense of direction. They often alienate others because of their negativity and narrow outlook and because they feel anger and resentment toward them. Passive aggression is used to good effect. They are self-neglectful of their physical needs although they may binge on unhealthy foods and substances. The biggest obstacle of weak Fire is to overcome anger and aggression; the biggest obstacle of weak Earth is to overcome self-centeredness and greed.

curiousity really

I filmed on ugly betty and it was a blast, I am also in a movie project that I cant wait to update my resume about yay for me It sure has been a while since I have written here. Quick Beleaguer my hurdles and let me be free lol ^^ I have been working very hard and possibly too much. However a slight satisfaction is worth the death. I believe in ambition, that or I was born with it :-/ However hopefully in due time I can enthrall audiences at a time, maybe this video-blogging can bring me forth from my shell. Cantakerous and spazzmatic, I could be a random enigma to one or just another youtube idiot to another....we shall see

Well good night for now, I must take hold of my chattel and enjoy it...cupcakes and chicken ^^ yummmm