easier fight

Outbursts of resentment
Flee from your lips
As I begin to dread the kiss
That lead me down roads
I thought once was truth
Only to find ignorance
In myself about you
And in the darkness I stood
It is where I cried
It is where you choose to gambol
and bathe in your lies
My heart once filled with coquetry
And never ending affection
Took a turn I wasnt expecting
Crawling deep into my own skin
Trying my best not to fall in
And in my reticent yelps
I found that no one helped
But aided the downfall
I begged God not let it show
And as we drifted more and more
My pictures began to fade
Like a voice lost down memory lane
And in the infamous battle
So well fought by my guns
I only come to realize
I have failed to find the sun
And in my own defeat
To lack the intricated effects
I seem to have on you
Like a pet the nuisance grew
But you dared not say
For every moment I accepted reality
I began to go away
And not once was it noticed
Until the room became bare
And suddenly I left alone
And all I can do is stare
That look up on your face
Crying out to me
Seemed so familiar before me
Cause just as I stood in the morning glow
Now its you putting on my shoes
I'm blasted by the sudden facts
That flow with ease from you
All the words you never said
Or promises you would keep
But now I'm out of sight
nice from a far but far from nice
It makes loving me an easier fight

new poem.

Love's deprecation

Love, the most intense and controlling emotion there is. Whether your love is for another human being, a pet, to perform religious affiliated acts or just simply the passion to have the same love but in its negative notation. It is powerful. It will consume you without pure reason and logic.

Whether your vision is lucid or one big foggy dream, love can and will always lead you down some interesting roads. It certainly has for me. I have a friend who says "Love never dies, it simply changes" and I am beginning to agree on a deeper level to what they are saying. However when it changes thats when the trouble begins, isnt it?

Your love for your significant other can easily change to friend, to hatred, to acknowledge them as a human being. Love is an evolving emotion.

However what do you do when you know something is not healthy, when something is powerful enough to consume you do you trust in love or do you choose to change it to save yourself?

does it mean that you never cared or does it mean that you simply cared too much? I remain reticent about much that has happened. However in this world of mine, my mind never stops thinking. It is an overheated machine ready to freeze, break or erase all data from so much corruption.

Does allowing love to consume the ethereal parts of you make you weak or vain in the concept that Venus tells no lies? Does living in that vanity make you blind? Is the view lucid and unaccepted? or like an unseen force?

Falling in love again and again, is as easy as counting. It is the breaking away part that is far more intricate than it should be. Perhaps maybe because they often take a piece of you with them, that you will never see again. And in cheap hopes you wonder if you will see that side of you again.

Ah, love love love
the weakness of all men

Cupid's neophyte

I have been surprised with quip remarks of affection. The feeling is rejuvenating and overwhelming. A dear close friend who always remains in honesty and respect with me. At the nadir era of my life's story, he always came to comfort me. My words did not deflect him. He watched my situations change in quick successions and slowly walked beside me. When my tears fell he only reached to wipe when I allowed him. Only working within the range of comfortablity I slip around me. In need of someone, he never displayed direct anger and frustration but only patience and distracting laughter. When I felt submissive and invisible, he came to show me how seen I am and how on top I can be. He was a dear friend, a very good friend.

We share the same humor. The consistent need for honesty. We understand each other's need on Venus' level. We were told with such perfunctory courtesy and covetous attitude, that we were so alike. Maybe they saw the elegant connection we held. The compelling effect we had on each other. In my darkest smoke, he became my crack of sunlight.

We started off with a simple connection but felt the need to be close. I always found him interesting and more than enjoyed his presence in the home. He always contributed to my smiles and the feeling of being understood. Of not being judged. He is something very fresh and healthy for me. It is scary but pleasant.

He is highly au courant and creative. Takes me into consideration for every decision he makes and I will give him the same. He respects my ideas and does not make commands of the flesh, When I am ready he says and he means it. He blushes if I compliment him and not just smirk and pretend to acknowledge it. I can cook and clean freely when I want to. I adore the kitchen and it is where one of the places where my hubris lays. He is held in respectable, King like manners. His smile is no lie. And the most vital action he performs for me is, he is always honest. That has never changed since we have been friends. Now I am approached to take that friendship on a risk, that I am willing to take.

The risk to the undiscovered' country, that puzzles my will but I dare not shun it at all. For who knows what lands I will discover.

Is this the kind of relationship I have been talking to Aphrodite about? Has she finally taken notice? Am I redeemed worthy now?

I think so,
**holds nose and dives in**
wish me luck and happiness

Cadma

Goals

I remain to be described as ambitious, I am often told "At least you have that drive".

My destiny is what I have created for myself. Not some cheap chimera in the far distance in the desert.

I am re-learning belly dancing. A jovial sport and intoxicating to the soul. Dancing is alluring to me. It brings me the sort of winsome happiness that is not easily found. I feel free. However my skills must be ameliorated to completely master the art of movement. The art of flowing free.

Wish me luck
Cadma

I bid you farewell already, please stop

"The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation...For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressors wrong, The proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, ...To grunt and sweat under a weary life. But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of?".

We all suffer, and from our suffering we are suppose to grow. For those who do not grow, simply await in vanity & agony for Mother's like Hecate to call their names. I grow. I need to grow, my vines are as long as my roots. However I can admit my growth can be delayed by cheap satisfaction through Cupid. He points his arrow too freely with me. In search of a King, I've been made promises that have only been whispered sweet nothings. I have been left in a torpid mental state, forgetting my ambitious goals and loosing myself in the process. I despise that saturnine face of mine, for when she shows her face that only indicates the journey to melancholia has begun.

Dedication...maybe too devoted i am. I have been ridiculed, chagrined by those who claim it was in the name of love. LIES! Disrespect through advertisement of what was never intimate to them but only sacred to me. Disrespect through exposing parts of me that only you should see in public. Actions, puerile actions that any smart normal girl would not tolerate and in a cheap course of 3 months you would have been done for! Criticizing every movement, and stinging callow words to intentionally be spiteful to someone who opened their heart to you...so foolishly. The trust is broken down easily by your lies. The flesh commands I found myself obeying, through lowering myself value for you. I gave my soul while you wished I was dead to you. In lack of your spirituality, God answered your prayers and Kali set me free.

No more lying, no more ignoring the existence you carefully intentionally planned to be rid of.

No more cheap gossip, behind walls you though I could not hear.
No more exaggerated stories that only exacerbated things even further.
No more good month bad month, good month, worse month, good month, worst month.
No more games.

No more tears, no more backbending
No more vanity of love, for you never loved me

So I leave you to find what was promised to me
And don't say "I love you" and don't say "I'm sorry"
Words of these phrases are things you could never understand what they mean.

All faults do not remain your own for I did not have to retaliate to your consistent anger, to your blades. I have flaws of my own.

I am patient but I grew weary and so painfully tired. A four year battle when all I wanted as a little love.

No more empty words, no nefarious promises, no more from you
No more tap taps as I lay, as I wake.

I bid you farewell and happiness.
______________________________________________________________________-
My playlist for the evening:
"Y todo para que"
que mas quieres de mi
si ya todo te di
te di mi cariño,
te di mi confianza,
te di mi calor.
que mas quieres de mi
mi vida te la di
por tan solo un minuto
por tan solo un poquito de tu gran pasion

(coro;)
y toda para que
y todo para que
para que enamoraste
para que ilusionaste mi corazon
y todo para que
y todo para que
pero no me arrepiento
si en cada momento me hiciste feliz
y todo para que
y todo para que
y todo para que
y todo para que

que mas quieres de mi
a donde quieres llegar
que no te haz dado cuenta
que por ya no mirarme me puedes matar
que mas quieres de mi
dime lo por favor
ya no encuentro palabras
ya no encuentro la forma de darte mi amor

(coro;)
y todo para que
y todo para que
para que enamoraste
para que ilusionaste mi corazon
y todo para que
y todo para que
pero no me arrepiento
si en cada momento me hiciste feliz
y todo para que
y todo para que
y todo para que
____________________________________
"Fool"
Tell me lies, slap me on the face, just...
Improvise, do something really clever,
That'll make me hate your name forever

You might swear, you'd never touch a lady
Well, let me say, you're not too far from maybe
Every day you find new ways to hurt me

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
Always having my heart set on you
Till the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes

Ahh, fool

God resigned, from hearing my old story
Every night, I'm paying hell for glory
I'm embarrassed but I'm much more sorry

All this pain, begins to feel like pleasure
With my tears, you'd make a sea a desert
Salt my wounds and I'll keep saying thank you

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
Always having my heart set on you
Till the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes

Ahh, fool
_____________________________________
"Poem to a horse"
You're to far to bring you close
And too high to see below
just hangin' on your daily dose
I know you never needed anyone
But the rolling papers for your grass
How can you give what you don't have?

You keep on aiming for the top
And quit before you sweat a drop
Feed your empty brain with your hydroponic pot
You start out playing with yourself
You get more fun within your shell
Nice to meet you but I gotta go my way

[Chorus:]
I'll leave again
Cuz I've been waiting in vain
But you're so in love with yourself
If I say my heart is sore
Sounds like a cheap metaphor
So I won't repeat it no more

I'd rather eat my soup with a fork
Or drive a cab in New York
Cuz to talk to you is harder work
So what's the point of wasting all my words
If it's just the same or even worse
Than reading poems to a horse

You keep on aiming for the top
And quit before you sweat a drop
Feed your empty brain with your hydroponic pot
I bet you'll find someone like you
Cuz there's a foot for every shoe
I wish you luck but I've got other things to do

I'll leave again 'cause I've
Been waiting in vain
But you're so in love with yourself
If I say my heart is sore
Sounds like a cheap metaphor
So I won't repeat it no more
_______________________________________________
"Bye bye boyfriend"
I've been lying,
to keep you from this pain
Now your crying,
and to know that I'm to blame
And I'll miss you
But its over now

I'm so sorry,
that it had to be this way
Please don't hate me,
but there's nothing you can say
To change my mind
I've got to go away

The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more

Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
lay down and work

It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now

Let me tell you how it was when we started off
The tattoos and the lip pierce and raggedy style you used to rock
Lately everything you do and say is messed up
Things have changed, down is up we're outta luck

And Baby I'm sorry
That it had to be this way
Please don't hate me, but there's nothing you can say
To Change my mind

The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more

Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
lay down and work

It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now

You never put the effort in to the things that really counted
A word here, and a kiss there
Could change the way its turning out
You work so hard at all the things I never cared about
How hands work & fingers moving, Eyes wide Shut
And baby I'm lonely
Though your right in front of me
You controlled me
That was the girl I used to be
Gave up myself
Well its over now

The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more

Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
lay down and work

It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now

I'm backing up,
Baby cause it's over now

Pretty pretty pretty pretty boyfriend,
C'mon
c'mon
c'mon
c'mon
Baby back it up
lay down and work
It was fun but it couldn't last forever
bye bye pretty boy
It's time to, It's time to pack it up

Baby 'cause it's over now
______________________________________________________________
"Numb"
No sleep, no sex for you from your ex-girlfriend
I was too deep, I can't let you go and just jump
in
At times I would push my feelings aside to let
you feel
I'm novicane I'm numb and nothing's real

Like the coldest winter, I am frozen from you

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb

But the tears were silent inside you see
But the tears were silent inside you see

I laid there quiet, watched you have your way
with me
I might have cried, the tears were silent inside
you see
You called me names, made me feel like I was dumb

I didn't feel a thing and now I'm gone, gone,
gone

Like a battered child I got used to your pain
But you know its cuz

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb

Don't feel a thing, don't feel the pain
Numb, numb, numb
Said

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb

I was weak for
Said now I'm numb, numb, numb
No, no, no, no
__________________________________________________________
One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
too young to know i had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
____________________________________________________________________

I've let go of you, please have the same courtesy.
I am working on my own happiness and I step out ready and shielded but know not to open myself up ever again to anyone like you again