Intricate Intensity

I am a dedicating individual. I look forward to assisting others, especially those I am willing to shae my heart with. I dare not refer to simply romance, but friendship as well. I always share my wisdom as well as my honesty, more raw than sushi. I expect the same to be dispensed with me. Truth, La Verdad...the noun of validity is what I need for a foundation, my roots to the relationship.

Now I have known some self-destructive individuals, but one caught my eye the most. My hand was always reaching out but for what it reached for, my hand was never grabbed. However due to some far more subdued conflicts, the trust, the truth that once stood as my pillars...have lost their foundation.

I craved for an opinion. I cared for an opinion, because knowing their opinion. Caring for the third-party point of view, was my audition of continued honesty. My audition for sharing a decision in my life that was not merely rejected, but spat on for selfish reasons. The reasons remain unknown to me, however their actions speak louder than any infamous stenorian. Puerile actions that concurred before have now all a new meaning. It was the very lack of our foundation, the lack of their honesty that the base has fallen.

If I make feeble attempts at contact, bleek conversations barely make it through or a nefarious sarcasm is going to seep into the wood.

Even though they admitted their callow actions does not mean they stopped. Even though they disagreed and reacted to me nastily for the 1st time of 4 years. Even though when I asked them not to call someone out of their name, I am met with "I'll try". Even though their histrionic theatre acts were more than callow and obviously anger, I have yet to know the reason for why they reacted to me the way they did. As if they stared from a high chair they created themselves, a disdainful glare and hostile attitude towards me. Forcing themselves to ask questions I know they do not care about. For the excerpts from their soliloquoy of the thoughts they chose not to share with me, leaving me in the dust of not understanding why they reacted to my happiness the way they did. It leaves me thinking my happiess is a judgement, my happiness is not what they want for me. Me, descending deeper into the darkness I just pulled myself from is easier for them..or as they say "They took a liking.", knowing of my treatment, knowing that is why I pulled away from them, knowing I was just off the mental brink dangling there. Between that and a secret hang out between the person they hated for treating me the way they did. Creating fabrications that only they can see. Still astonished and confused, but since I have no answer I walk away. Communicating with the same people they said they did not care about, and dismiss me, my happiness and lash out towards me while I have been so ever so patient with them...I am left behind. So am I wrong?, if I decide to walk away? Am I wrong, for leaving a situation that obviously kept getting worse? Am I wrong, for not speaking to them because every time we speak it is unpleasant? Loosing a friend during my time in need, how expected. How very much they became the same loss I had last year, except far more anger directly. I know when I am wanted around, and when I am undesired by anyone I take my vagabond good's and leave. I see no point in sticking around.

What annoyed me most, is that it is so stupid. And how close we use to be, or so I thought. Or did I become vain in the thought of having a real friend?

It would not be the first time that we didnt agree on something, it would not be the first time their self-destructive path pulled childish acts before me to upset me on purpose, to anger me and they had never succeeded before until now. But everything before that I did not think about. I question and then I fall quickly into not caring, for there is nothing I can do. much has been done by them, I do not know if repair would save us at all. in fact I know it wont, i could never trust them ever again. My guard will remain high and thick, all because they know what they did and dont care enough to admit they are wrong for reacting at me, to me with such intense choler in their face...for no reason.

They have the wrong impression that they managed to hurt me, but they never hurt me at all. Not once, because of their self-destructive path I never fully let my guard down and they know this. They just simply angered me, because I came to them and this is what I get for thinking they were a friend....stupid me

You are the Tree

The shadow is your reputation and like most gimcracks it is there for display. Only for the peering eyes that feel what they see, is what they have. I. Me. Who I am, is a person of observation. I remain argus-eyed among many social settings and only watch to see if psychological theories are carried out or if I am flat out wrong. My ability to trust is lacking but my ability to be hopeful rear ends itself frequently. My patience runs far and wide. Often if an individual attempts to "figure me out" they either fail or over do it. This still applies to the supercilious personas who feel they know me, they can define me and will constrict me to what I choose to share with them. When I speak I see who listens and who tries to misconstrue my words or give me new words to use as if I do not understand what I am saying. I do not speak up as often as I should, but I like being reticient in the scenery. I enjoy allowing others to make their decisions for me. If someone chooses to not be active in my life, that is simply their choice. If someone chooses to try to make my choler rise, that is their choice. If someone decides to be sneaky and interferre in my life in ways not so benign for me, that is...their choice. I can not and I will not waste my irrevocable hours trying to control or worry about someone else's choices. Yes I can be upset, yes I can be angry but when I lay my head upon my pillow and begin to visit the land of nod. I sleep free. I rise free. I am free of any obligations to hold onto hands who want no holding. Free of any intricate delicacies that may have found their way to my plate. The fun part about letting go, is the assumption that follows. That there is this saturnine after-taste that follows me in this torpid little could above my head. When I let go, I choose not to care. I make myself free, what is so wrong with that? People change frequently like dollars to a cashier, loosing one aint so bad there will always be another.

eh....the only other confusion that raves inside my skull, is the assumption of how I think and what I really am about. The disdainful thought process of how I speak because I chose to never speak to them that way.

ambiguous dreaming

The kismet that lays around the stars do not lay lucid in thoughts. I spend much time in deep though and preservation. However the clock is ticking, as it sways back and forth for each second it mocks what has been wasted. I spent 3 and half years dedicating to a ineffective relationship. The tumult of every element that controlled my emotions and gridlocked my goals.

I wake up today, smiling. I can feel the spirit of the sun, even through the clouds like today. I feel the fire, the zealous enthusiam flame just burning under my oil lamp.

I have a new song that has a bit of a ....mmmmmm......punch and a taste of spunk in its spice. I will be recording that song first. I will be using a new music program to make it, and I should not need my guitar much for it. This is a song of my life's energy to be red blooded and vivacious. Just fill the cup of living free, if you will. I can fathom the sound perfectly, I just need to release it.

This is my update for now, and also currently at my current job I am in the running of a really good promotion, wish me luck. For the more I can do at my day job the more I can provide for my career.

Cadma,
l8r